The Year I Walked Through Hell
It all started with the nightmares, and the lucid dreams that felt all too real. That should have been when I knew something was wrong. But dreams are said to be unconcious, inescapable, and out of your control - so how was I to know that too many violent nightmares could lead to something more.
I was far away from home and woke up almost every night screaming in muffled tones. It started with light tickling on my skin and uncomfortable crawling sensations that we all experience now and then. I should have trusted myself enough to know where it was coming from and that it wasn't quite right, because from there it only got worse. My boundaries were far from crossed and I had no idea who - to ask for help or where to turn.
If I were to really think back, it started with the hormones and the guise that hitting puberty causes sexcapades, visceral fantasies and the infamous wet dreams.
My boundaries had already been crossed multiple times over and the biggest lie we allow to exist in our marketplace society is that we lust as a sign of love and that it is completely instinctual and normal. That's a fact that never quite resonated with me. Seems the only purpose it serves, is to objectify me...to objectify you... and we are all so much more than just what is here and now... and physical.
At the age of 21, I was raped by spirits and that was just the start in a long line of torturous events. As you can imagine spirits can take many forms, so I wasn't just violated by the spirit guides I had come to know and love but by every person I had ever met, by every face that lingered in my mind. The bible would tell you that it is just demons preying on your light, pray for peace, and go back to sleep. So I guess you can imagine what I did next.
What I didn't know then was that I had the ability to communicate fully with spirit. It was more than just gut feelings, occasional messages and what we've come to know as intuition. That meant that every touch, every sight, every sound and every sensation was exactly the same as being physically raped and molested.
I don't mean to be crass, but I share my story in an effort to help someone who may be going through the same thing! We are in new territory here - but rape is never okay - and you do have the power to stand up for yourself no matter who your fight is against.
Needless to say, I was overwhelmed, lost, and a very far cry from just confused, but I was somehow determined to carry on. This went on for months until months became more than a year, until days ran together and I lived everyday in fear.
Then the seizures started, the depression hit a fan and the terrors only worsened. The only thought I had was of killing myself, and somehow I had no control over my body to do even that. I had one simple task but taken away was my ability to even fight back. I was possessed and I realized that that word simply meant, that my entire life was completely out of my control.
Isn't that the same for most of us all?
Gone with my thoughts, went the ability to walk or talk or move my own limbs on my own, and I was glad if I could be dragged to the bathroom on a semblance of my own two feet. I was inches from catatonia and after tests and tests to no avail - doctors were simply ready to lock me in the psych ward. All I can say, is thank God for my parents, because it wasn't just that I didn't belong there. I wouldn't hold it against people to think that I was crazy but there was more to my story than just what can be described in modern medicine and the book I'm writing now has been brewing my entire life.
#PrayerTrust&Creation 2020 😝🥰 coming soon to a kindle near you 😇
I struggled every step of the way to trust myself and believe in my truth, afterall who stands for justice against the unseen?
I always screamed but there was noone there to hear me internally bleeding out or to wipe the tears. And from the outside looking in, I must not have changed much, because noone really seemed to notice or maybe I did a terrible job of letting them in.
What use is it to burden someone else with a seemingly inescapable fate? I truly thought the God I knew had abandoned me..
And whether you believe I was hallucinating or it was incredibly real... no medicine could numb out this overwhelming pain.
I was being attacked, and I had no means for saving myself other than to call on the power of God - when in reality God was the one calling on me.
There is another side to this harrowing story - one that many people struggle to acknowledge and one I didn't want to believe was true. The same spirits or dare I say guardian angels helping me - were the same spirits making my life a living hell and I can't...no matter how much I hated them ignore that there is more to their story too.
This is the the world we live in....who the fudgetruck knew dude. A world where spirits play out our violent tendencies as a way of testing our truth and preparing us for our destinies. It’s really quite sad if you think about it. But just as many bad things that were happening to me good things were happening too - and just as the bible said - I never really had too much more than I could handle. So life was okay. You button up and carry on. This is what I believed to be the only way through.
So much of our daily life is controlled by core beliefs that many of us don't even know we hold. And if believing in Santa Clause or the Tooth Fairy taught us anything...it is that beliefs truly do influence our reality and us as a greater whole.
So this idea, the idea we have so rooted in society that Good & Evil are separate entities became my core belief and everything around me returned to fit that command. But, that is simply not the truth!
I didn't want to believe it either, but I would be doing you a disservice to tell you any different - especially after hearing from different mediums who all have witnessed the same.
Our creator created both good and evil and good is our true nature while evil stems from anxiety, fear, and pain.
What I learned first and foremost, is that we can't just hide behind the power of God, without being willing to also stand in our own power. The inherent power God gives to us all! I AM a divine part of all that there is, and I will no longer stand in the shadows of conformity. I will no longer live a life that clearly was not made for me. I will no longer live my life in anxiety.
See, it's conformity that kills our power, our authenticity, our light - all the while breeding gremlins in our minds.
We hide under layers of mud, predetermined decisions, and expectations Every day growing up in this society we are tasked to conform. To give up our truth and values and happiness for the security of a postgraduate life. But what many of us are slowly realizing, is that the lives we live are broken and are in no way meant to support our growth, our health, or our happiness.
I can no longer live my life for anyone but me. That is my newfound sense of security. Knowing that in owning my truth - manifestation truly does become inherent to me and my freedom becomes tangible and real. Fully dependent on what I choose... and what I determine to be best for me.
If God created you, then it makes sense to me, that he would want nothing more for you than to be all you were destined to be - and that certainly does not lie in mediocrity.
I will no longer choose anything or anyone at the extreme detriment of myself. I hope you will also choose YOU above all else! That is the biggest lesson I hope you learn without having to learn it the hard way 💕
Your happiness and authenticity breeds every other thing that you seek!
I know, it is hard to trust that every painful event in your life will serve a monumental purpose, but that is exactly what we must do. Until we fully uproot harmful truths out of our consciousness and out of our societal lives. There will be those, like me, who suffer as they return to their truth and open up to their authenticity. But in the same light, there will be so many people who struggle less - simply because we speak up and validate that which they have always known or suspected.
It is never okay for spirit to abuse there power of control nor is it okay for them to teach you the hard way when there are so many ways you can be taught with love and understanding.
However this understanding comes with another side of it's own.
Often times the pain we go through is not because we deserve it - but because we have no other way of learning what others before us have been through without experiencing the same level of pain. And since it is our destiny to recreate our world, many of us in our lives and in our careers, will need to understand fully and not just in theory or through empathy the pain that others have felt. I hope though, that in reading this, you feel free enough to begin to heal and do so in easier ways.
For those of you that are concerned...
No doctors or shamans or energy healers or therapists or crystals or medicinal remedies alone could fix what I was experiencing. No one thing could put the pieces of my life back together - only I could do that....slowly and piece by piece reassembling everything that resonated with me a discarding pieces that didn't. Taking the advice that I'd been given solicited or otherwise and using conflicting and resonating perspectives as a way to better understand my truth. Acknowledging pieces that were layered or that existed in conflict with one another and resolving to first understand why, and then focus in on fixing the ideals that were solvable and finding simple and temporary solutions to the unavoidable pieces of our current reality.
All in all,
What I went through was incredibly painful and traumatizing, but without that pain, I would have never known my true purpose and that I am forever grateful for. Through my pain I was able to understand the world in a completely different way. I know now how quick you can turn to the only way out. I know now that it is not always an easy of a decision as many may think.
I know now how quickly a switch can flip in your brain for murder or crime or lashing out to become a viral part of one's reality. I know now how so many of us suffer... from the anxious all the way to the criminally insane. I know now how much we are all truly more alike than we are different. And I know now how to help us all begin to heal and grow as a collective.
The world is not a black and white place to be. There are so many shades of grey and hard truths that steer you away - but that is where we are... that is our current reality...and to acknowledge it is not to accept it, but to create a starting point for how we all move forward.
I will no longer stand for mediocracy...and I hope you will choose the same. Because it all starts with us. Unshackle the chains my loves, it is time to run free.
